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* Disclaimer *
Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.
William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.
"I think the beating I gave him impressed him." Nabiki chuckled. "He hasn't called me Nabs at all today."
Akane smirked. "He got only what he deserved. He's a pervert."
"No." Nabiki shook her head. "He asked me out, that's all. Well, he does spend entirely too much time staring at my boobs, too. But other than that, he's not that bad."
Akane shook her head in disgust. "I'm not letting him within ten feet of me."
"Fine. I don't really care. As long as you don't interfere with the shoot. It's gonna be a long one today. Four scenes, and I'd really enjoy getting them all in one take each."
Akane giggled. "You expect too much."
The scriptwriter stuck his head through the door. "The cameras are all set up for Scenes Two and Three, Nab-iki."
Nabiki smirked as the screenwriter caught himself just in time. "All right, fine, Baka-san." She stood up and stretched. "Who've we got cast for Scene Three?"
"Ryouga, Tsubasa, Hiroshi and Daisuke." He flipped open his notebook. "Plus..." He flipped a few more pages. "Uh, oh."
Nabiki threw up her hands. "Can't you do anything right?"
"I knew we forgot someone else. We got two unnamed parts. Watchman One and Watchman Two. I didn't think they had any lines, so I forgot about them."
"I don't need excuses, I need solutions." She forced herself to calm down, and considered. "We could call in a couple of people who owe me favours."
"What about what we did with Ranma? Pick a couple of girls and dress them up as guys?"
"I don't want to rely too much on that. Already we've got Ukyo in Act Four." She shook her head. "And there's nobody good enough that owes me any favours. We're actually gonna have to pay for more actors."
"Ouch. How much is left in your budget?"
She flipped open her own notebook and checked the figures inside. "Well, after that debacle with Kodachi and Shampoo...plus the cost of new tapes...There's 34,900 yen left in the budget." She flipped further through the notebook. "Assuming we hire two more yokels at the same price as Shampoo, for two days each...plus have no more than one more major calamity...that'll bring the final balance to about five hundred yen. Still within budget." She glanced up. "Get on the phone to Nekohanten. See if you can get Mousse. Akane, see if you can get ahold of someone from the drama club that's willing to work cheap. I'll grab us some extra time, shoot Scene Five now."
"Right."
"No worries, Nabiki."
"And don't worry too much. We'll handle this no problem."
* * * * *
"All right, I need Misters Saotome and Tendo, Ranma, and Doctor Tofu on set." The scriptwriter pointed towards the center of the dojo, then crossed over to one of the two video cameras. He glanced through the monocle, adjusted the focus, then flipped it onto remote.
Nabiki stepped in, then slipped off to the side, out of either camera's arc. She leaned back into the shadows, and grinned.
"Has anyone seen Kuno?"
"Yeah." Ranma spoke up. "He showed up a little earlier, and wandered around muttering about his evil diabolical plan." Ranma rolled his eyes. "He should be here any minute now."
"For once, the accursed one speaks truth." The samurai wannabe strode imperiously into the room. "For it is true that I am here."
"'And true 'tis pity, and pity 'tis, 'tis true,'" the screenwriter muttered.
"I beg your pardon?"
"Out of arc, Kuno. We're about to start the shoot."
"You will address me as upperclassman."
The scriptwriter turned towards him, and held up an envelope. "You know what this is?"
Kuno swallowed, and stepped out of arc.
"Perfect." He clicked a remote. "Cameras rolling, and...action!"
Tail Kinker Presents
In Association with TN Enterprises
Much Ado About Ranma
"Unfortunately, I will have to leave soon." Genma folded the letter and placed it back in its envelope. "My wife grows insistent. But I will write to her, and make sure she knows I'm staying until the wedding." He smiled. "She is quite a romantic...she will not mind that much more delay."
"I could go with you," offered the Doctor.
"No! Heavens no. Take you away from your wife, a day after you marry her? What do you take me for?" He chuckled. "Besides, Nodoka would skin me alive if I let it happen. No, don't worry about me, my boy. My son shall go with me. He's plenty company enough."
"Yeah, whatever." Ranma crossed his arms and stared down at the ground.
Soun chuckled. "You've been rather grumpy the last day or so, boy."
Tofu poked his younger friend in the ribs. "You're in love aren't you?"
"Toothache," muttered Ranma.
"Really?" The Doctor grinned. "I should deal with that."
"Yes," said Soun. "Pull a tooth, or whatever it is that hurts."
Genma grinned. "A man with a toothache doesn't normally go to see a barber, but that's where you were yesterday."
Soun nodded. "And it's obvious that you've recently taken up shaving. The razor-burn is quite distinctive."
"Is that cologne I smell?"
"Note the downcast expression."
"Yes, the boy is definitely in love."
Ranma threw up his hands. "Enough already. Tendo-san, may I speak with you? Alone? Away from these two vultures?"
"Of course, my boy." The two turned and walked out of the room.
Genma watched them go. "Gone to ask about Akane, no doubt."
"But that vile fiend must not have her!" Kuno strode into the middle of the room. "For I, the Blue Thunder--"
"Cut. Kuno, get off the stage."
"--have decreed that this contemptible plot to force a marriage between--"
"Kuno!"
"--Tendo Akane and that foul demon, Saotome Ranma, must never--"
"KUNO!!"
Kuno paused, mid-rant.
"Get the hell off the stage!"
"But--"
"Yes, I know you have an entrance here. But that was most certainly not your line."
"My lines are nothing more than complete and total truth, as though spoken by Amaterasu herself."
The scriptwriter reached into a pocket, and extracted a rather battered Zippo lighter. He flipped it open, ignited it, and held the envelope over the flame. "You were saying?"
"...I shall recite your lines."
"Very good." He snapped the lighter shut, and pocketed it. "Get off the stage. From Genma's line, please. Action."
Genma watched them go. "Gone to ask about Akane, no doubt."
Tofu nodded. "Kasumi told me that she'd sprung the trap on Akane, as well."
Kuno strode into the middle of the room. "My good lord, Saotome-san!"
"Ah, good morning, Tatewaki."
"If your leisure serves, I would speak with thee."
Genma tilted his head. "In private?"
"If it pleases you, my lord. Though Count Claudio may also..." He paused.
"Cut." The scriptwriter sighed.
"I find myself compelled to admit that this time, the error was mine. I have been reading the original play."
"Okay, Kuno, no worries. We'll take it from Saotome's line." The scriptwriter grabbed a tripod, moved it about six feet, and checked the focus. Satisfied, he stepped back, and clicked his remote. "Action!"
Genma tilted his head. "In private?"
"If it pleases you, my lord. Though the good Doctor may also hear, as it concerns him."
Tofu stepped forward. "What's wrong?"
"You mean to be married tomorrow?"
"Yes, but you knew that."
"I doubt it, when you hear my news."
Genma scowled. "If there's some problem..."
"My friends, you may have had cause to think that I care not at all for you. But mark this--I come here in goodness of heart to help you in your coming marriage."
"Get to it," grumbled Tofu.
"I have come here to tell you that the lady is disloyal."
Tofu paled.
Kuno continued heedless. "But truly, 'disloyal' is so mild a word. Think of a harsher one, and it will probably apply. But do not take my word for it; come with me tonight, and you shall have your proof."
Tofu staggered back a step. "Can this be true?"
"No!" Genma snapped a hand down in a dismissing gesture. "I refuse to believe it. A woman like that, so like my own wife--"
"If you would come with me, you will see the proof," continued Kuno. "Once you have done so, you may act accordingly."
"Cut and print." The scriptwriter tapped his remote. "Good, very good. Well the hell done, guys. Only three takes." He flipped open his notebook and consulted. "Okay, guys. I'm done with all three of you for the rest of the day. Grab some munchies and enjoy the rest of your day off." He snapped the notebook shut.
Nabiki walked in, videocassette in hand. "Scene Five is shot."
"Any news on our wayward watchmen?"
"Akane's managed to get ahold of a couple of newbies, willing to do the shot just for the fun of it. But they're gonna suck."
"No Mousse?"
Nabiki grinned. "Hey, this way I can save eight thou."
* * * * *
Ryouga Hibiki inspected the three watchmen detailed to guard the Tendo compound that evening. "You are all three good men?"
"Yes, boss!"
Ryouga glanced over at Tsubasa. "You speak for them?"
He shrugged. "Someone has to. Give us our orders, sir."
"Who should be chief of the guard tonight?"
One of the watchmen spoke up. "Ichiro should be chief of the guard, boss. He's easily smarter than me."
Ryouga's mouth twitched as he suppressed a grin. "Obviously." He stepped up to Ichiro. "Here are your orders: Challenge any who approach the compound. Apprehend any who do not answer your challenge."
"Anyone?"
Ryouga sighed. "Yes, anyone."
"Even Tendo-san?"
"Yes, even Tendo-san."
Ichiro frowned in thought. "But he lives here."
"Yes, but even he must be challenged. Trust me, if you do not, he'll rip a stripe out of your hide."
"Won't he be insulted?"
Ryouga groaned. "Why would he be insulted that you are doing your duty? Why would he be insulted that you're trying to protect him?"
"Well, I mean..." Ichiro shrugged. "What if he's in a rush to get to the bathroom?"
Ryouga closed his eyes in pain.
"Or maybe he'd just be out for some exercise. Or maybe he's found someone inside the compound who shouldn't be there. I mean, if someone got past us, which they wouldn't. But maybe."
"Ichiro, turn around."
"...sir?"
"Turn around. Now."
Ichiro turned, and Ryouga delivered a sharp kick to his backside. He then promptly turned to the other watchman.
"Jiro, you're first of the watch tonight. Ichiro, you're an idiot. Tsubasa, let's get out of here before I have to kill them both."
The two senior guards entered the building, leaving Ichiro and Jiro to guard the compound. The two promptly took their places on either side of the door, Ichiro still rubbing his bruised posterior.
"Hey, Dai!"
Hiroshi stepped through the gates of the compound, and looked around. Jiro noticed him, and turned to challenge him, but Ichiro waved him back.
Hiroshi raised his hands to his mouth. "Daisuke!"
"Shut up, already. I'm right here." Daisuke pushed the other's hands down. "What do you want?"
Hiroshi pulled a wad of bills out of his pocket and riffled them. "I'm flush, man, on Kuno's cash. Fifty thou, man!"
"And I see you've already spent a good chunk of it on booze."
"Hey, I've only had two or six. Look, let's head back to the bar. I'll buy you a drink."
"What did you have to do for the cash? Something vile, knowing Kuno."
"Aw, it wasn't that vile. All I had to do was seduce a girl."
"What girl?"
"Kasumi's serving-girl. Pretty little girl named Kodachi. She looks something like Kasumi, and when she's dressed up just like her, there's no telling the two apart. At least, not in the dark." He chuckled. "Got it on with her, right at Kasumi's window, with Tofu and Kuno and Saotome-san watching below."
"You actually--"
"Well, no. I got my hand down her top, is all. But you shoulda seen that Tofu light out of there like he'd sat on a bee."
Jiro jumped forward. "You're under arrest!"
"Huh?"
Ichiro stepped up. "I've called for Ryouga. Looks like we've discovered the scam of the year, here."
"Cut. Very nice, boys. We may save this sucker yet." The scriptwriter chuckled. "I'll need you two tomorrow as well, but you're done for the rest of the day. Thanks for taking this on on such short notice."
* * * * *
"Nabiki, will you please go wake up Akane?"
"No problem." Nabiki hopped to her feet and reached for the door.
"Oh, and please ask her to come here?"
"Okay." She opened the door and stepped out of the room.
Kodachi was digging through the chest of clothing. "Shampoo think this one better."
"Cut!" Nabiki shook her head. "Shampoo!"
"Shampoo goof." She hung her head. "Not like being called Kodachi."
"Please, just put up with it. Console yourself with the fact that Kodachi couldn't keep this role. And could you possibly use a pronoun or two?"
"Is okay."
"Fine, Let's start the whole scene over." She walked over, sat down on her chair, and thumbed her remove. "Action!"
"Nabiki, will you please go wake up Akane?"
"No problem." Nabiki hopped to her feet and reached for the door.
"Oh, and please ask her to come here?"
"Okay." She opened the door and stepped out of the room.
Kodachi was digging through the chest of clothing. "I think this one better."
"No, I'll be wearing this one today." She indicated the kimono hanging on her closet door. At the moment, she was wearing a bathrobe, but her hair had been carefully braided.
"You sure? I think this one look very good." She held up the sky-blue kimono. "Is tradition, yes? And is very nice, has patterns here and here, has beads."
"Traditional? Yes, but not for weddings. Besides..." She indicated the kimono on the door again. "Mother wore this one when she was married."
"Kasumi?" Akane poked her head through the door. "You wanted to see me?"
"Yes. It's nearly noon, and when I went by your door, you were not yet awake. Are you sick?"
"Yes. Sick. That's it." She made a production of coughing. "Quite badly so."
Kodachi piped up. "You have cold? Or flu? Or maybe lovesick?"
Akane scowled. "Sick and tired."
Kasumi ignored the banter. "Uncle Saotome gave me these gloves to wear. They must have been his wife's; They're far too small for him, and I can smell perfume on them." She held them up to Akane.
Akane stepped back. "I couldn't smell them right now, Kasumi. All stuffed up."
"Stuffed up?" Kodachi giggled. "And lovesick?"
Akane cracked her knuckles. Kodachi stopped giggling. Akane turned back to her sister. "Well, I hope I'm feeling better soon, since the wedding is to be held in just a couple of hours."
Kodachi piped up one more time. "We find you wild horse to ride at wedding!"
"Oh, that's more than enough." Akane took a step towards Kodachi, fist balled.
Nabiki stepped back into the room. "Kasumi, time to get dressed. Then we gotta do your makeup." She glanced over to Akane. "You, go downstairs and talk to the priest."
She touched her remote. "And print. Thanks, guys."
"Good. Now I can get dressed properly."
The scriptwriter stuck his head in the bedroom. "Nabiki, we got time for me to get a look at--" His voice trailed off as he saw Kasumi in the process of undoing her bathrobe.
She glanced up. "Oh, hello!"
"Sorry, I'll--" He started to pull back into the hall.
Kasumi followed him, her robe held shut by one hand only. "Did you get that rice I left out for you?"
He studied the wall intently. "Yep."
"It's not very polite to pay so little attention to a person who is speaking to you."
"Sorry." He turned to look at her again, his gaze wandering down slightly, then snapping up to her eyes.
"Oh, is that what's concerning you?" She opened her robe and let it fall to the ground.
"Eep!"
"What's wrong?" She adjusted her t-shirt. "I admit, I don't normally wear shorts, but it was needed for this scene."
"...Nothing. Never mind." He turned away, muttering something under his breath.
Kasumi turned to face her sister. "What did he say? I'm afraid my English is a bit rusty."
"Something about needing brainwashing, and a dirty mind...Kasumi, how is it you can keep a perfectly straight face while doing something evil?"
* * * * *
Nabiki pushed the videocassette into the VCR. "Scene Five was really short. You sure you need to see it?"
"I'm sure."
She pressed play on the remote.
"Excuse me, sir."
Soun turned to face the chief of his guard. "Yes, Ryouga?"
"Two of my men captured some troublemakers last night. They were up to some evil or other."
"Really?" Soun frowned. "And you waited until now to tell me?"
"Well...I had some difficulty finding you."
"It's four o'clock, man!"
"Well..." He rubbed the back of his head. "We'd rather like it if you could talk to these two. Seems it's something of some importance to you."
"I don't have time!" He threw up his hands. "My daughter's due to be married in an hour, and there is still a lot of work to be done!"
"But, sir! It's important!"
He sighed. "What did they say?"
"Well...I don't know."
"WHAT!?!"
Ryouga raised his hands. "Hey! The guys that caught them said it was important! I came immediately to find you!"
"You should have stayed there and sent...well, anyone else!" He sighed. "Go back. Interrogate the two. Give me a written report. Got it?"
"Yes, sir."
He levelled a finger at him. "And you'd better be able to find your way back."
Nabiki hit the stop button.
The scriptwriter chewed his lip. "That wasn't exactly what I wrote."
"Ryouga has a chronic navigational impairment. We used a couple of jokes based on that. The audience will appreciate them."
"Take your word for it." He yawned. "I gotta crash."
"Be here bright and early tomorrow, so we can do the post-processing on this."
"No problem."
Nabiki watched as he left, then flipped the TV over to a channel unused by the local stations. The miniature camera she'd purchased transmitted on this channel, and hopefully its transmitter was too low-powered to be easily detectable by local telecommunications authority.
Luckily, she'd managed to figure out the scriptwriter's usual route home, and had set the camera up along it. She could follow him with the camera for almost five minutes before losing him.
She was dead certain he was up to something, but for the life of her couldn't figure out what it might be.
* * * * *