* Disclaimer *

Takahashi Rumiko created Ranma 1/2 and all of the characters and situations found therein. I have no rights to them whatsoever, and hope that she and anyone to whom they have been properly licenced do not sue me.

William Shakespeare has been credited with the creation of Much Ado About Nothing, but regardless of whoever actually wrote it, I don't think I'm in danger of being sued for misusing it. My apologies nonetheless to the Bard.

Nabiki surveyed the dojo and its decorations. "Not bad. Not too shabby at all, if I do so say myself." She turned to the scriptwriter. "You done setting those up?"

"Almost, Nabs."

"Don't call me that."

"Sure." He tossed her the remote. "The damage to the camera cost a bundle to fix."

"How much?"

"Forty-five hundred yen."

Nabiki winced. "Ouch. Still, it's not as bad as I feared."

"Yeah." He jerked a thumb back at the camera. "I think we should put a couple of cuts in this scene. Move the cameras around whenever we can. We've got a lot of space to cover, and a lot of people to film this time around."

"I agree. But don't worry. With this gang of idiots, we'll have plenty."

Even as she spoke, several of the idiots in question were entering the dojo. Nabiki turned towards them. "All right, you guys. We got a chance to cheat in this scene." She pointed at a cardboard box on the floor. "The masks in the box have your lines on them. Make sure you get the right ones."

"I don't have any lines in this scene!"

"Then it doesn't matter which mask you get, right? Right. Dad, Happousai, Akane, Kasumi and Taro, on first."

Tail Kinker Presents

In Association with TN Enterprises

Much Ado About Ranma

"Kuno didn't come to dinner, did he?"

"Hm?" Happousai looked up at Soun. "No, I don't think he did."

"Good enough for me," grumbled Akane. "He gives me heartburn."

Kasumi nodded. "He does really need to learn to cheer up."

"And Ranma needs to learn to shut up."

Soun smiled. "So half of Kuno's temperament in Ranma, and half of Ranma's...errr..."

"Lippiness?"

"Good enough." Soun laughed. "We might find you a husband yet!"

Akane shuddered. "Oh, sure. But he'd also have to be brave, smart and rich."

"Kuno's rich."

"But not brave and smart. And Ranma's brave." She smiled impishly. "And what would I do with Ranma, anyway? Dress him up like a maid?"

Happousai broke in. "Woohoo! I'd love to see that!"

"Cut!"

"Aww, Nabiki--"

"Can it, old man. Time is money."

Happousai grumbled. "All right, I'll behave."

"See that you do. From Dad's line. Action!"

"Kuno's rich."

"But not brave and smart. And Ranma's brave." She smiled impishly. "And what would I do with Ranma, anyway? Dress him up like a maid?"

Soun broke in. "I must tell you, Akane, that it has been my hope that the Saotome line and our own is to be joined someday. So if Ranma were to propose to you--"

"No, Dad. No way."

Happousai broke in. "You must do as your father says, girl. Kasumi understands, don't you, dear?"

Akane shook her head. "Kasumi always does what Dad says. Dad could tell her to marry Ranma, and all she would say is, 'As it pleases you.' But if he does tell you to marry Ranma, Sis, you should say instead, 'As it pleases me.'"

Happousai cackled at that. "Ah, a free spirit is such a rare thing! Soun, old boy, I'll go fetch our guests and lead them here." He picked up a box of masks, and exited the dojo.

"Well, Kasumi," said Soun. "If either Ranma, or Genma for that matter, approach you in this purpose, I do hope you'll at least consider it."

"Yes, Father." Kasumi nodded. "Though I do hope that if one of them were to woo me, it would be in earnest."

"Our guests approach. Let us make merry!"

The doors opened, and Genma, Tofu, Ranma and Gosunkugi entered. Each carried a mask, and raised them up over their faces as they entered. Behind them came several others, masks held over their faces.

Genma stepped up to Kasumi. "Kasumi, dear. May I walk with you alone?"

"As long as you merely walk, and don't talk..." Kasumi raised her own mask. "Then you may walk with me."

"And if I wish to talk?"

"Then I hope what you have to say will interest me before I walk away."

"And if I wish to earn your favour?"

She lowered her mask. "I..."

"Yes?"

"I...forgot my line."

"Cut." Nabiki sighed, picked up her script, and walked onto the set. "I thought you said you didn't need the cue cards."

"I'm sorry, Nabiki, I really am."

"It's okay, Sis. Hey! Move that camera, will you?"

Her last order was to the scriptwriter, who hastened to shift the tripod to a better location.

"Okay, Sis. Here's the line."

"Thank you, Nabiki." Kasumi scanned the text, flipping ahead a couple of pages. "Weren't we supposed to have music in this scene?"

"We're going to add it by computer later. It's easier on the sound system."

"Oh." She handed back the script. "I'm ready now."

"Great. You're doing fine, Sis." She returned to her chair. "From the top of page nine. Action!"

"And if I wish to talk?"

"Then I hope what you have to say will interest me before I walk away."

"And if I wish to earn your favour?"

She lowered her mask. "I..."

"Yes?"

"I will hear what you have to say." She took his arm and walked towards the shrine.

Across the room, Gosunkugi shyly approached Kodachi. "May I dance with you?"

She looked down at him. "You? Why on earth would I dance with you?"

"Cut! Kodachi, that was not your line!"

She turned towards Nabiki. "But he is a commoner!"

"So is your character. Cope with it!"

"I shall not! I refuse to dance with anyone but my Ranma-sama!"

"Kodachi..." Nabiki ground her teeth. "Need I remind you of the discussion we had on Sunday?"

"I--" Kodachi swallowed audibly. "Very well. I shall lower myself to this level." She hung her head.

"Good."

The scriptwriter leaned over to Nabiki. "What do you have on her?"

Nabiki shrugged. "Photographs of her herbal garden. Most of what is growing in it is incredibly illegal."

"This won't be the last time she'll be a problem, you know."

"I know. I have more. Don't worry about it." She raised a hand to her mouth. "From Hikaru's line! Action!"

Across the room, Gosunkugi shyly approached Kodachi. "May I dance with you?"

She looked down at him. "Are you sure you want to? I have many terrible flaws."

"Name one?"

"I laugh very loudly."

"Then you are a happy person!"

"Yes...very happy, if I have a good dancer. Happier still, if he is out of sight once the dance is over."

"Good enough." Gosunkugi took her arm and lead her onto the dance floor.

"Cut!"

Gosunkugi blinked. "What went wrong there?"

"Nothing. But I'm in this scene too." She strode onto the set, mask in hand. "Camera crew! I want my best angle on this!"

"No problem, Nabs."

"Action!"

Nabiki looked down at the very short old man before her. "I know you. You're Happousai."

"Nope!"

"You know any other little tiny dirty old men around here?"

"I'm just a reasonable facsimile!"

"You couldn't possibly be that good a fake. No-one could imitate the inimitable."

"Nope! Not him!"

"Oh, really? Tell you what. I'll dance with you. If you manage to avoid groping me, I'll be convinced you're not Happousai." She led him onto the dance floor.

"Cut." She smacked Happousai as he groped her, then sat back down in her chair. And shuddered. "That took a lot of willpower. Action!"

Akane scowled at the masked Ranma. "Will you not tell me who said so?"

"Nope. Won't tell." Ranma wasn't dressed in his usual chinese silks; instead, he wore a chinese Maoist uniform. So Akane might be forgiven for not recognizing him.

"And you won't tell me who you are?"

"Nope."

"Hm." Akane frowned. "'A sharp-tongued uncute tomboy.' Sounds like Ranma, through and through."

"Ranma? Who's he?"

"Oh, you know him. He's that loudmouth fool in the red shirt, usually hangs around with his father and makes rude comments about people."

"When I see him, I'll tell him you said so."

"You do that. No doubt he'll have some strong words about me, too." She stomped off.

Kuno and Hiroshi stepped in, without masks, and looked on the proceedings. Kuno walked up to one of the masked dancers, and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "That fat fool over there." He gestured towards Genma. "He seems quite interested in Kasumi, doesn't he?"

Hiroshi gestured towards another dancer. "I'm pretty sure that fellow over there is Tofu. I recognize his stance."

"And you, sir..." Kuno looked down at the man in the brown gi. "You're Ranma, right? I recognize a great martial artist anywhere."

"You guessed right."

"Well..." Kuno leaned closer. "This disturbs me. I was certain I heard Tofu, over there, swear his undying affection for Kasumi, and that Genma would woo her in his name. And yet, the fat old fool is wooing in his own name."

The masked man looked sharply at Kuno, then across the room at Genma. "Are you sure?"

"Oh, yes. I heard him declare his own love."

Hiroshi broke in. "I heard him say it myself. And, he said he'd marry her tonight."

Kuno shook his head. "Noble Ranma. I entreat you, address your father, and tell him of the error in his dishonourable ways." He clapped the man on the shoulder again, then he and Hiroshi turned and left.

Tofu removed his mask, and sighed heavily. "I think they're right. She is so like his wife..." He frowned. "But he couldn't marry her...so would he simply seduce her, and abandon her?" He considered what he knew of Genma. "Yes, I think he would."

"Hey, Doc!"

Tofu glanced over, to see Ranma in his Maoist uniform.

"Good news. Genma has won Kasumi!"

"He's welcome to her!" Tofu turned and stormed angrily out of the dojo.

Ranma scratched his head. "What the heck?" He threw up his hands. "Aw, I can't figure anything out tonight. First Akane, pretendin' not to know me, then the Doc doin' this." He scowled. "A 'loudmouthed fool.' Hah!"

Genma stepped up to his son. "Where is Tofu?"

"I dunno. I told him the good news, and he took off." Ranma shrugged. "Looked kinda peeved, if you ask me."

"What? Why?"

"I think he got it into his head that you took Kasumi for yourself." He elbowed his father in the ribs. "As if you would."

"No, thank you. Your mother still carries that whacking great sword everywhere she goes." He considered. "I'll speak with the boy. In the meantime...Akane tells me you were unkind to her."

"Unkind? Me?"

"Yes. She says that the gentleman she danced with told her you said all sorts of horrible things about her."

"Hah! It ain't a patch on what she said about me! She called me a loudmouthed fool, and said I make rude comments about everyone! As if she's one to talk!"

"Oh? Here she comes now."

Indeed, Soun and both his daughters were walking towards the Saotomes. Akane had her hand firmly latched around Tofu's arm.

Ranma turned to his father, desperation in his eyes. "Pop, now would be a good time for a training trip. Jushenkyou's nice this time of year, or how about Mount Phoenix? Maybe a bit of the Neko-ken--"

"I think this would be excellent training, Ranma."

"I ain't spending any more time around that macho chick!" And Ranma turned and fled the dojo.

Saotome laughed broadly. "Well, Akane, it seems you've lost the heart of my son."

"I hope so!" She pushed Tofu forward. "I found him. He was hiding in the back shed."

"Ah. Why were you hiding, Tofu-sensei?"

"I wasn't hiding."

"Oh? Sick?"

"No..."

"He's jealous." Akane giggled.

"Ah. Yes, I think my son mentioned that. Don't fear, good Doctor. Here is Kasumi, who I wooed in your name. I have spoken with her father, and he agrees to the match. Now all we need to do is set the date."

"Really?" Tofu's glasses immediately fogged up. "I-- What a--" He seemed completely unable to finish a sentence, but started several.

Akane giggled again. "He's just gonna babble nonsense, Kasumi. Shut him up with a kiss."

Genma smiled. "You are a cheerful girl. I don't really see what my son objects to in you."

Akane shrugged. "I'll admit to a bit of a temper, if you'll admit I have a sense of humour."

Soun spoke up. "Have you considered what I've told you, daughter?"

"Oh, no. Excuse me, Uncle Saotome." And she bolted back into the crowd.

Soun laughed. Genma shook his head. "A very pleasant girl."

"Oh, she is always like that. True, she does get angry at times, but she is a very sweet girl."

"She truly would be a good match for my boy."

"They'd be at each others' throats in a week."

"Really?" Genma rubbed his hands together evilly. "I have a bit of a challenge in mind. Tofu, have you and Kasumi decided on a date?"

"Well..." Tofu's glasses cleared somewhat. "We were thinking about tomorrow..."

"Too soon. We have to prepare for the celebration."

"But we decided on next week at this time."

"Ah, good!" Soun nodded. "We'll still have to hustle, to get everything done in time. But it's doable."

"Indeed. Tendo, old friend, I will wager, oh, six bottles of the finest sake that we can make it a double wedding."

"Oh?"

"Yes. Tofu and Kasumi...and Ranma and Akane."

The other three broke into laughter.

"It'll never happen." Tofu wiped his glasses, sides still shaking. "Ranma himself has told me on many occasions he'll never marry."

"Ah, but if you three will help me, I think we can pull it off."

"All right. I'll help."

"As will I," said Soun. "I've wanted to see her properly wed for some years now."

"I think it would be nice if Ranma and Akane were to get married." Kasumi smiled pleasantly. "I will help, too."

"Excellent. We shall begin immediately!" He glanced over to the buffet table. "Or better yet...after the party."

"Cut! And print!" She grinned. "Well the hell done, everyone." She waved a hand towards the buffet. "Dig in, everyone. We might as well make this a real party."

Cheers went up, and someone popped a CD into the boom box. The scriptwriter hastily jumped to his feet and moved the cameras to safety.

"Pretty good, Nabs. Only two unscheduled cuts for this whole scene."

"Don't call me that. How much did that buffet cost us?"

"Seven thousand. That's three over budget."

Nabiki worked her abacus, and frowned at her result. "So that leaves us sixty-seven thousand five hundred, after the camera repairs." She flipped open her ledger, and smiled. "Actually, that's not bad for three days of shooting. I predicted we'd be down to sixty-five thousand by now."

"Scene two will be short, but scene three's a big one. How do we want to handle this?"

"We'll shoot them simultaneously. One's a room scene, one's a garden scene."

"We really really need two cameras for scene three."

Nabiki considered. "We're moving all this to digital anyway, right? Pick us up a QuickCam. I'll shoot Scene Two directly to digital. Good enough for Lucas..."

"Okay, they go for about eight thousand yen. Wait a minute." The scriptwriter frowned. "You're shooting the short one, but I gotta shoot the long one?"

"Unless you'd rather deal with Kuno."

The scriptwriter considered, then shuddered. "No thanks."

"Good thinking." She grinned. "Don't worry. I'll be down to help you as soon as Scene Two is finished."

"Why am I not reassured?"