KUH LON

Ranma bowed to the Tendo patriarch, backing out onto the street, and waited for the Colonel to close the door. He sighed and crumpled a bit, then began meandering back to the Bachelor's Officer Quarters.

"Oh, man. I shoulda just stayed at the O-Club. Who woulda thought that Tendo-san was a two fisted drinker...an' pushin the sake on me...an' goin' on about me an' Akane gettin' married..."

He was a bit intoxicated, he decided. Not wasted, not really even drunk, but definitely under the influence.

"Azzif I'm gonna marry that tomboy, fambly honour or no. I mean, she's cute an' all, but I gotta career to keep up. Not to menshun, she don' wanna get married either..."

"Saotome Ranma?"

"Huh?"

Ranma swiveled a bit unsteadily, and tried to focus on the speaker.

~Man, I must be drunker than I thought. A three-foot high talkin' Troll doll? Maybe if I ignore it...~

-BOP-

"OW! What wazzat for?"

"You are Saotome Ranma?"

"Yeah, why?"

The Troll doll chuckled - or, at least, that was his guess as to what that sound was.

"Xian Pu has told me of your Jushenkyou curse, boy."

"Oh? So, what's this about Shampoo an' me bein' married, then?"

"It is the law of the Joketsuzoku, nearly three thousand years old."

"Oh. Well, I ain't from the Jokek...the Jokesu...your village. 'M from Nerima, Tokyo, Japan."

"This does not matter. It is the law, and you, being a male of the Joketsuzoku through marriage, must follow it."

"Man, am I wasted. Carryin' on a talk with a withered ol' troll 'bout useless laws..."

Kuh Lon narrowed her eyes. "Our laws are not useless. They are what kept the Joketsuzoku strong over three thousand years of history. They ensure the strength of the tribe, by bringing in the greatest soldiers and fighters, in order to breed the ultimate warriors."

"Ain't he a wrestler or somethin'?"

Kuh Lon blinked. "You're drunk."

"Oh, I dunno, mebbe a bit...not too much...only had six, or seven, or eight, or I dunno..."

"I think it would be best for us to continue this conversation at a later date."

"Yeah...good plan...talk when I ain't seein' no trolls..."

* * * * *

"So, Son-in-law. I trust you are in better shape to talk now?"

"Huh?"

Ranma glanced up from his food to see the old woman balanced on her walking stick at the table.

"Oh, man. You mean it wasn't a hallucination?"

"No. It was not."

"Fine, then. Look, I ain't marryin' Shampoo, okay? I'm already engaged."

"Your other engagements are of no concern."

"They are to me."

"What you want is also of no concern. In our tribe, males serve only one purpose."

"Besides, U.N. Spacy military law says I need my superior officer's permission to marry a foreign national."

"Military law is also of no concern."

Ranma carefully finished chewing his bite of egg roll, set down the unfinished portion, and glared at the crone.

"Let me see if I understand EXACTLY what you're saying here. U.N. Spacy regulations are not important, but Chinese law - not even that, but the law of a nobody village in the middle of the Chinese jungle, so far out of reach of civilization that its citizens think 'star ship' means a boat with five points - the laws of this village are important, even inside a Dimensional Fortress owned and operated by the United Earth Government, manned primarily by Japanese personnell, under martial law of the United Nations Space Defense Force."

"Yes, that's about right."

Ranma took another bite of his egg roll, chewed thoughtfully.

"Old bat, you're really something else."

Cologne raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"I really didn't thing ANYONE was that brain dead."

-WHACK-

"Ow!"

"Son-in-law, you will learn respect for your elders."

"I don't respect elders with senile delusions of grandeur."

Cologne chuckled, then lashed out again with her stick. Ranma tried to dodge, but the stick caught him square in the chest with the point.

"Oh, don't worry, Son-in-law. When the time comes, you will be begging me to allow you to marry Xian Pu."

"Huh?"

Cologne turned and left the restaurant, leaving Ranma horribly confused.

* * * * *

Shoko was the first to notice Ranma entering the ready room. She snapped to attention and called out, "Officer on the deck!"

The room fell silent as Ranma picked up the glass of water on his desk and upended it over his head. There were gasps from the new pilots, but the older hands took it as their cue to sit down.

~Hm. That felt a bit warm. Still, it was cold enough to trigger the change...~

"Good afternoon. I trust you all slept well?"

There was a chorus of groans from the more hung-over pilots.

"Y'know, I really thought that a female squadron woulda done things different than a male squadron. But oh, no, you girls are just as hard drinkers as Skull..."

This comment elicited growls all around; Roy Fokker was the biggest drunkard in the U.N. Spacy, and most of the Skull followed their Major's lead.

Ranma grinned. "Well, now for the good news. Firefly squadron has just graduated, and its members are bein' posted for repple-depple all through the fleet. Four of 'em came here. It's worth pointin' out that Skull and Sepia squadrons have both requested Fireflies. Seems you girls have made a lasting impression.

"Second, I've got some commendations to hand out. These aren't medals or anythin' like that, nor do they carry extra leave or bonus pay, but they WILL reflect on your promotion review. Lemme see here...Got two from Commander Hayes, one to Tendo Akane - outstanding use of tactics - and one for Kosuji Minako - courage under fire." He glanced up at the girl. "Minako, this commendation, along with your Purple Heart, will put you on the promotion schedule for Warrant Officer, second class.

"Finally, I got one other commendation. This one's from me, to Amy Clark. Courage under fire.

"Now, for today's mission briefing. We've punched through Zentraedi lines, and it appears that the majority of their fleet has folded for parts unknown. There's only about a hundred ships, ranging from scout corvette to cruiser, following us now. But now we got a lot of dead space to get through, and the sublimunal drive ain't really efficient through dead space. Has to do with a lack of hydrogen for the ramscoops. So we got maybe a two-month cruise before we reach Mars.

"During this time, six squadrons will be doing patrols, four up, four down, four more up, then twelve down. This will not be fun at all. The patrol order will be Skull, Green, Sepia, Blue, Angel and Rogue. So we ain't up for sixteen hours. But after that, we're up every day for eight hours a day for the next two months."

One of the new pilots raised her hand. "Uh, ma'am, there's thirty six squadrons on the Macross, right? So why only six being put on patrol?"

Ranma sighed; she had been dreading that question. "Well, the official line is that the six squadrons on patrol are the best squadrons, and are the most likely to survive a prolonged engagement with Zentraedi forces. The other thirty are being held back for reinforcement, or if needed to engage a capital ship. However, it is my belief that the reason these six squadrons have drawn onerous duty is because all six squadrons contain officers who've managed to irritate Colonel Maistroff."

Chuckles.

"Don't laugh, it ain't funny! Look, guys, you've never done heel-and-toe patrols before. Before these two months are out, you'll be cursing the very ground Maistroff walks on. I already am. Dismissed."

* * * * *

"Captain Ranma Saotome to the bridge."

Ranma cursed. Since it was him being paged and not "Ranko", she'd have to change. Granted, her uniform had been modified to allow for her change, but her flight suit - of neccesity - had not. She spent five minutes struggling out of the flight suit, then grabbed her thermos and upended it over her head.

"YEEOOOOOW!"

Akane turned at the howl of pain, to see Ranma - still in female form - curled up in a ball, screaming.

"Ranma! What's wrong?"

"HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT-"

Akane grabbed her helmet flask, ripping it from its moorings and pouring it over Ranma. She stared at the red welt rising on Ranma's face.

"What happened?"

Ranma shivered. "Musta been a short circuit in the thermos. The water was boiling hot."

Akane picked up the thermos and frowned. "You'd think the thermos itself would be hot..." She poured some of the water over her hand and frowned again. "Ranma, this water's barely warm at all!"

"Huh?"

"It's not hot. In fact, I don't think it's even warm enough to trigger the change."

Ranma frowned. "But it was boiling! It was way too hot to touch."

"Here, feel it." Alane poured the water over Ranma's hand.

"OW!" Ranma snatched her hand back like it'd been burned.

"What's going on?" Shoko and one of the new girls, Jane something-or-other, had wandered over.

"Ranma - I mean, Captain Saotome - is of the opinion that this water is too hot." Akane tossed the thermos to Shoko, who tested the water carefully.

"She's nuts. This water's only lukewarm."

"I'm nuts, am I?" Ranma raised his hand, showing the red weal. "Since when does lukewarm water cause first-degree scalds?"

The new girl scratched her head. "Does this have something to do with that sex-change she did in the briefing?"

"Yeah." Akane sat down. "Captain Saotome acquired an ancient Chinese curse--"

"She lives in interesting times?"

Ranma smirked. "That does about sum it up."

Akane glared at both of them. "The curse comes from a place called Jushenkyou. Cold water turns Ranma into a female, and hot water turns him male."

"So what is he - a guy or a girl?"

Ranma glared at her. "I'm a guy, got it? The only reason I fly as a girl is because girls can handle Valkyries better."

The bitch box clicked again. "Captain Ranma Saotome, report to the bridge immediately."

"Aw, crap. If I can't stand the water needed to change back to a guy, how am I supposed to go to the bridge?"

Shoko shrugged. "Just walk faster, I guess."

"No, you don't understand. Only about fifteen people outside of this squadron know about the curse. Normally, only one of them is on the bridge, but Lisa's not there right now..."

"So?"

"So it was my guy form summoned! I can't go there like this! Then EVERYONE will know!"

"So just get some hot water-"

Ranma smacked her head. "Don't you get it, Shoko? If I can't stand THAT water, which isn't hot enough to cause the change-"

"Oh! I see." Shoko shook her head. "Man, you're screwed."

"Thank you for your vote of confidence."

Akane spoke up. "Look, Ranma. You're just gonna have to risk it, it's not Gloval who wants to see you."

"Right." Ranma stood, resignedly, and headed for the hanger door.

* * * * *

The door to the bridge slid open, and Ranma hesitantly stepped out into the bridge. "Ah, Captain Saotome reporting as ordered, sir."

Gloval stood and walked around his chair, coming face to face with Ranma. "What on earth-"

Sammie Porter waved at Ranma. "Hi, Ranma-chan!"

"I had Ranma Saotome paged, not Ranko."

Sammie grinned. "You're gonna love this, Captain!"

"Indeed." Another man turned to face Ranma. He was tall, dark-haired and bulged with muscles. But the really disturbing part was his eyes. They were completely black. "This is the very reason I asked you to call him to the bridge."

"Very well...To the Briefing Room, please. Sammie, since you seem to know what this is all about, you are to come with us."

"Aye, sir!"

* * * * *

"Now then, Dr. Lang, would you kindly tell us what the hell is going on?"

"Certainly, sir. Major Fokker was being debriefed by myself when he mentioned something about Captain Saotome changing in the cockpit. He tried to cover it up, but I managed to pry out of him that Captain Saotome apparently suffers from an exotic Chinese curse."

"Yep." Sammie leaned forward. "And Lisa knew all about it, too! She told me, 'cause I've gotta run the Valkyrie teams when she's away."

"I see. So what exactly is this curse."

"Ahem-" Lang turned towards Sammie. "First off, your name and rank?"

"Eh? Samantha Porter, Ensign."

"Thank you. Please continue."

"Well, Ranma apparently changes gender when hit by water. Hot water renders her male, and cold water turns him female."

Gloval blinked at this interesting use of pronouns.

Lang sat down and leaned back in his chair. "Well, now, Captain Saotome. Would you care to come down to the medical lab?"

* * * * *

Five minutes later, Gloval, Sammie, Lang and Ranma were in the med lab. While Lang fussed over his equipment, Sammie chatted with Ranma.

"So tell me, Ranma-chan, why did you come to the bridge as Ranko?"

Ranma shrugged. "For some reason, I can't tolerate water hot enough for me to shift."

Lang frowned at this. "Why not?"

"I dunno. Just for some reason, water feels warmer to me."

Lang scowled and began putting some of his equipment away. "Guess I won't get to use these..."

"So you've known about this curse all the time?"

"Yep." Sammie grinned. "Lisa told me about it when she was explaining the TOE."

"So you knew, even as you tried to arrange dates for me in female form?"

Sammie shrugged. "A girl can have some fun, can't she?"

"I'm gonna strangle you..."

"Not right now, Captain, if you please." Lang walked over with an armload of wires and probes. "Would you please strip to the waist and lie down?"

"Ah..." Ranma glanced at the Major, then back to Lang. Gloval took the hint.

"Sorry. I'll just go back to the bridge." He beat a hasty retreat from the room.

"Don't worry about me, Captain. Remember, I'm a doctor."

"Right." Ranma pulled off his uniform jacket, then unbuttoned and removed the shirt.

"...of Engineering. Boots too."

Ranma scowled at him, but removed her boots and leaned back into the medical bed. Lang proceeded to wire her up with several small sensors.

"I wanted to get some readings on you as you shifted, but I guess that's not going to be possible. So instead I'm going to scan you for radioactivity, Reflex energy and so forth. I'm also going to expose you to such - don't worry, I'll use low levels, too low to damage even the most sensitive cells - to see if this provokes some sort of response. Also, this device--" he gestured towards a machine "--will do a complete DNA workup of your system."

"Joy."

Lang grinned. "Not very enthusiastic?"

"Y'know, Doc, I spent three years hiding this curse so just this sort of thing wouldn't happen. Then Roy goes and tells you. I'm gonna kill him."

"Don't worry, Ranma. I'm not going to turn you into a full-time guinea pig. But if I can discover the cause of this transformation, then perhaps I can reverse it."

Ranma sat bolt upright, dislodging several of the sensors. "You mean you can cure the curse?"

"Perhaps. But not if you won't let me proceed."

"Oh. Sorry." Ranma lay down again, and Lang started replacing the dislodged sensors. "So, why are you here, Sammie?"

She grinned. "Well, mainly it's because I think your curse is fascinating. I mean, you're the only person in the world who truly understands both genders' points of view. So if Doc Lang can get more information on it..." She shrugged. "Also, I'm gonna need whatever information he finds, 'cause it might affect the TOE."

"How?"

"What happens if he can cure you? Who's gonna be in command of Angel Squadron?"

"Hm...Good point. I'd suggest Lieutenant Kanzaki."

"Oh? Not Lieutenant Tendo, your fiancee?"

Ranma scowled. "In the first place, nepotism is conduct unbecoming an U.N. Spacy officer, right? Second, Kanzaki is the best leadership material in the squadron."

"Right. Right. Just pulling your chain."

Lang broke in. "All done!"

"What? Already?"

"Yes. These things don't take long. It actually takes longer to wire you up than it does to run the tests." He began removing the sensors. "Just as soon as I get these things off, you can get dressed." He removed the last of them and handed her a small facecloth. "You can use this to remove the adhesive."

"Thanks." Ranma quickly wiped herself down, then dressed. "So what's the verdict, Doc?"

"The computer's still running the analysis. It'll take about ten more minutes. Coffee?"

"Sure, thanks. Aw, crap, I just remembered something. Doc, I'll be back in half an hour. Sammie, c'mon. You gotta help me."

"Huh?"

* * * * *

"Okay, Ranma, what's going on? Where are we going?"

"Look, Sammie, you were wrong. I DON'T know about women's point of view. Okay? I'm just as clueless about this as any male."

"...Okay, sure. Just means you gotta work at it--"

"Maybe, but I ain't got the time. Tomorrow is Akane's birthday and I gotta get her a present."

"Right. So what does she want?"

"I DON'T KNOW!"

"Yeesh, you don't have to yell. Still, I guess you're right. You're not the first guy I've helped out this way. Now lemme think..."

* * * * *

Twenty minutes later, gift-wrapped package in hand, Ranma walked back into the lab.

"Hey, Doc, I'm back."

Dr. Lang glanced up from the computer. "Ah, good. Where's Sammie?"

"Called back to the bridge. I'm supposed to tell her what happens."

"Very well. It seems that this 'curse' is somehow tied into Robotechnology. Your body literally radiates Reflex energy, and bombarding you with Reflex energy causes your DNA to shift. How water is tied into the formula, I don't know, but I'd recommend you expose yourself to cold water sometime soon."

"Uh...why?"

"Because your DNA at the cellular level has transformed, and will slowly - and painfully - convert you back to your male form. Unless you act to reverse it..."

"So even if I did let it run its course, I'd still turn female again with cold water?"

"Yes."

"So I'm guessin' you didn't find a cure."

"Sadly, no." Lang handed Ranma a sheet of paper. "This is a work order for your personal Valkyrie. It's to be upgraded to an S-variant, and the engines to be replaced with Kustonov Reflex heat-pile reactors."

"Meaning?"

"You'll notice a loss of speed, due to the fact that Kustonov reactors are less efficient than fusion engines. However, due to your own personal reflex signature, it should make your fighter more nimble in combat. I'm not sure how, but these things do tend to happen."

"Yeah, and usually to me..."

* * * * *

"Angel Squadron, fall in."

The girls of the squadron leapt to their feet and fell into formation before the Captain.

"Stand easy. Okay folks, we've picked up a break for the moment. Captain Gloval has decided that Angel Squadron will be receiving four days' down time. No patrols or anything during that time." He paused to allow the light cheering to stop. "The bad news is, at the end of that time, we will be on Ready Five sixteen hours."

"Why the change of schedule?"

"Seems that the Chief Engineer, Doctor Lang, has decided that my fighter needs a refit. Then he suggested to Gloval that Angel be reserved for truly frightful messes. So, we get to sit around and be bored, and pray to God we get to stay bored."